I love them both dearly but they're as clueless as Jane Austen's Emma.
They're standing in the kitchen, arguing like an old married couple
about Bernard's preference for cheap plonk over Manny's carefully
selected Merlot.
I used to worry. Bernard can be very cutting and not even realise
it. Manny's quite sensitive and he's walked out almost weekly
over the last two years. But still, they stay together, living
with one another. They care a great deal about one another.
Not that either of them would admit it.
Neither of them have noticed me so I'll just sit down and watch the
show. I can smell something wonderful cooking in the oven.
Manny creates the most wonderful aromas in this shit-hole of a kitchen.
When it was just Bernard living here... I don't want to even try to
describe the smells that came from in here.
It's good now. I like Manny's cooking. I like Manny.
He'll make someone a really good husband one day.
Bernard, probably.
Bernard
Why does he do that?
Maybe it's just because he knows it drives me nuts. There's no
other reason for it. And he keeps looking over his shoulder at me
like I'm a stain on his existence.
This is my house! My kitchen! My table! He's the one
who's encroaching. He's the bane of my life thanks to *her* and
her bright ideas.
Look at her! Sitting there grinning at him like a mental
patient. She's a loony! They both are! They deserve
each other.
Maybe that's why she's grinning at him.
No, that's ridiculous. What would she possibly in him? He's
not her type. She prefers good-looking men. Normal
men. Gay men.
Like that cleaner.... Bad example. Or that radio presenter,
what was his name? Hywel something or other. But that was
more about his voice wasn't it?
I don't know. I don't even know why I'm sitting here worrying
about this.
Am I worrying? Why am I worrying? What do I care if she has
a thing for Manny?
I don't care! And he's looking at me like that again. What
have I done this time?
Manny
I keep staring! This is crazy! I have to stop looking at
him!
He's going to get suspicious and then he'll kill me in my sleep.
He might set the Thing under his bed on me.
I have to stop staring!
Right. No staring. Back to the carrots.
Fran
It's like watching a car crash in very, very, very slow motion.
Over about two years so far and still they haven't actually touched yet.
I'm speaking metaphorically of course. They touch all the
time. They're always in each other's personal space they just
don't seem to realise it. I don't think they know what they look
like, the impression they give.
Bernard has his strange obsession with Manny's hair. He's always
looking at it and touching it. He doesn't realise that Manny has
the same problem. I've seen Manny, now and again, actually almost
reach out to calm a wild dark lock and have to physically stop
himself. He's probably worried that Bernard will break his
fingers or even his face and he might be right.
Bernard doesn't like to be touched but perversely he's a very tactile
person, he has this need to reach out and touch other people.
I think over the years it's landed him in trouble a couple of times and
he comes across as awkward and strange and so people see him as a
threat and lash out. But never here. Here, in his bookshop,
he is the king of all he surveys. He is monumentally confident of
his place here. He belongs here. No one can hurt him, no
one can topple him.
That's why I was so shocked when I heard he'd offered Manny a
job. I really hadn't believed he'd ever take anyone on. And
the spare room! I thought Bernard would veto the idea without a
second thought.
But maybe my intuition was bang on with that one. Maybe he did
need someone else around. He may be a sniping, nasty, miserable
little shit but I can't bare to think of him as lonely.
Bernard
Why should she have him? He's mine! I found him! I
saved him, from skinheads.
And then he saved me from the tax man.
We saved each other. That means something!
Manny
I'm doing it again!
What's wrong with me?! What am I thinking?
Peas. Must check the peas aren't going mushy.
Fran
He deserves better. Manny, I mean.
He doesn't set his sights high enough.
He's an excellent cook. He cleans, he irons, he shops. He's
the perfect man!
Bernard's right. His hair does look amazing. It looks as if
it would feel like silk and it shines in the sun. Every time I
think about it, I think about the miller's daughter in Rumpelstiltskin,
having to spin straw into gold. Having to do the impossible.
Is that what I asked of Manny?
Bernard is impossible.
In spite of his laziness, or rather because of it, he's the most
well-read man I've ever met. He throws out the names of ancient
authors like they're personal friends. He knows titles and
plots. He reads the oldest tome to the newest novel and he hates
them all for the most part. He understands what people want in a
book but can't bare the idea of having to sell them one.
Working with the public is the very last thing he should be doing and
yet he wouldn't be anywhere else.
God, this is deep. I need a drink. I wonder if Manny will
open that Merlot....
Bernard
She's drinking the wine he bought just to annoy me.
They're both annoying me. Why are they doing this?
He's making lots of noise with the pans and she's sipping that
expensive stuff with that pleased expression. She's smiling at
me, triumphant. She's always doing this, making up to him,
getting on his good side.
He's mine!
She's going to take him away from me and then her flat will smell this
good. He'll buy Merlot for her, iron her clothes and leave her
towels on the heaters so they're all warm in the morning.
Look at her! She's complimenting him now! And she's smiling
again.
She's not having him!
I can do this. I can stand up. I can walk.
I can touch. I touch him all the time.
If I just... slide my arm around him....
Fran / Manny
What the HELL is he doing?
Manny
Erm....
Bernard
Ha! Mine! So keep your hands off!
Fran
Oh my God! He's marking his territory! He can't possibly
think... he does! He thinks I'm making a move on Manny and he's
jealous! Fantastic! Well, let's see how far he's willing to
go.
I can be so much more graceful. Just nudge Bernard out of the
way, one arm around Manny's waist... Christ, he's warm - all lovely.
Yes, Bernard, he's much more accepting of this from me, isn't he?
A quick wiggle, a snuggle, and throw in a compliment about the length
of his carrots... perfect.
Manny
What's going on?
Bernard
Cow! He's mine! Get your hands off!
Tell him... the food smells good. And his hair looks great.
He's looking at us both as if we've gone completely insane. He's
right. What am I doing?
Manny
What's going on?
I must have missed something. Some telepathic communication
perhaps.
Fran's hugged me before but Bernard... well, there was that once but it
doesn't count because he didn't actually touch me.
Fran
Ummm - he smells incredible! Why haven't I noticed before?
Leaning into his neck, sniffing him... hopefully he thinks I'm sniffing
the wonderful aromas coming from the oven and the pans on the stove.
Manny
It's nice though. Having him close like this, even if he is still
all tense and awkward.
Fran's sniffing me....
Perhaps I should encourage him. A smile maybe?
Wait a minute, where's he going?
Fran
What's Bernard doing?
Not giving up? What a loser!
He just needs a little more encouragement. If I ask Manny over to
my place tomorrow evening....
Bernard / Manny
What?!
Bernard
Her place? What's she talking about?
Manny
Much better.
He has really skinny arms. I hadn't noticed before. He's
very pale and smells of smoke and wine.
Why isn't that putting me off? Maybe because it feels really nice
to have him there and that's quite a surprise, I can tell you.
Bernard
I knew it! She's trying to steal him from me! He's my...
what? What is he?
Hairy. Beardy. Annoying. Irritating.
She can have him!
Manny
Don't go!
Maybe another smile?
Fran
Oh, no you don't. What is wrong with you? Can't you see how
much he's smiling at you? Look at the way he's stopped peeling
the carrots and has started to.... Wow. I wonder if he
knows he's doing that?
I should mention how I was thinking that the flat was too small and it
would be nice to rent somewhere new with a kitchen and two
bedrooms and a bathroom. Of course, I'd need to find someone to
share it with....
Bernard
What's she talking about? What new car?
What is he doing to those carrots? I wish he wouldn't. It's
very distracting....
Fran
Bernard's noticed the carrots. It's difficult not to.
In fact....
Now there's an evil thought....
Manny
What's she doing now? Why is she... like that....
Oh. I think I've been projecting on to the carrots.
I wonder if Bernard's.... Yes. Bernard's noticed.
And Fran's noticed Bernard noticing and suddenly all this is making a
lot more sense.
Fran, I love you.
And I can help out here.
These carrots are perfectly formed. Quite thick, so you can get
your whole hand wrapped around one of them. Long too. And
slippery in the water.
Bernard
Stop it! Both of you!
Mustn't stare.....
Fran
Manny's finally caught on.
What a grin!
Manny
A part of Bernard is introducing itself to me rather... pointedly.
I have to stop grinning like a school boy.
He must know....
Bernard
Shit!
Manny
He's noticed. And he's thoroughly dismayed....
Oh, no you don't!
Just free this arm....
He's skinny at the waist too. How does he manage that with all he
drinks? And the complete lack of exercise?
Fran
Awww! Sweetie!
Bernard
Erm....
Manny
God, it's good to hold him like this. Even if it's just one arm
holding him in place so that he doesn't freak out and run away.
There's no way I can carry on pretending I'm peeling these
carrots. Not with one hand. Maybe Fran will....
Fran
...offer to take over.
They are so sweet! Just standing there, arm around one another's
waist with no clue what to do next.
They'll figure it out.
I'll just peel these carrots and let them watch....
Bernard / Manny
STOP IT!
~
Manny
I had no idea….
His mouth….
His lips….
His tongue….
Jesus, his hands….
Bernard
Manny… Manny Manny Manny Manny Manny….
Manny
Where did he learn this?
He should be embarrassed! Ashamed! Awkward!
Something! Not this… this confident! This….
I can’t believe we’re doing this. I can’t believe I need him so
badly. When did I ever need anyone this badly?
Manny…. For Christ’s sake. Help! What are we doing?!
Manny
I can’t believe it’s like this.
Just the expression on his face…!
I can’t believe how much I’m feeling and I can see it reflected back at
me when he looks at me.
What the hell are we doing? Do we even know?
Bernard…. Please…. You can’t look at me like that….
How can I live up to it?
Bernard
He’s thinking, I know he is.
He thinks too much.
He’s thinking about what I’m thinking, trying to work it out.
Well, he won’t. And we’re both wasting valuable time.
Where’s that mouth?
Manny
Okay, so that particular silence is shelved for later.
God, he’s got a tongue like an eel.
Bernard…. Don’t go! Where….
Oh.
Ooh.
Oh God.
Bernard
He likes this.
Christ, every man on Earth likes this.
And he tastes good. Clean.
I’m not letting him get anywhere near me until I’ve had a long
bath. Didn’t I say? This kind of sex requires
hygiene. But if the noises he’s making are anything to judge by,
and the fingers clutched obsessively in my hair aren’t trying to push
me away, it might just be worth it.
Manny
BERNARD!
Bernard
He’s coming… I can taste him. And at this moment at least I know
without a doubt that he loves me.
Manny
I think I’m in love.
Bernard
Ummmmm
Manny
I try to shift us, to reciprocate while I can still move. But he
won’t let me.
Not with my mouth at least.
But my hands seem okay.
He’s like that carrot. Thick, long enough for me to get my fist
comfortably wrapped around.
I would hazard a guess that he wasn’t orange….
Bernard
Oh, Holy Mother of God…!
Manny
Now that’s real appreciation of a job well done.
Not the usual praise I’m used to getting from Bernard and definitely
worth working for.
Bernard
There are going to be some questions after this. I told him I
wasn’t gay. Well, I didn’t, but I implied it.
Didn’t I?
Maybe not, now that I think back on it.
Oh, well.
Manny
I would never have guessed that he was the type to cuddle afterwards.
I’m taking liberties - playing with his hair, stroking his
shoulders. And he’s allowing it. More than that... was that
a purr?!
Bernard
Shit. Did I just… purr?
I have to pull myself together. But he feels so damn good.
And he’s petting me! I love that!
I just love it.
See, Fran?
I told you so.
Mine.
All mine.
Manny
I wonder if Fran’s finished peeling the carrots…?
fin
elfin
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