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God, the look on your face… the shock, the pain, the fear…. Death
is a peaceful state, when the body lets go of the soul and nothing
hurts any more. Being dragged back from that, being yanked back
to life is agonising. Life is the last thing you want when the
body is screaming and the threads of your soul are already being cut.
I know how you feel. I'm so glad it's raining because tears in
the boss' eyes at such an early stage just wouldn't do. They need
me to ground them in this job that has already severed all the anchors
they kept them down to earth. I might be a stranger, a mystery, a
puzzle for them to keep piecing together. But I'm the one they
look to when it all goes somewhere weird, which let's face it, it does
every day.
The pain in your face is familiar. And I know how it feels to be
lying where you are. Eighty more seconds and for you it'll all be
over again. I hope you return to where you were, to that peace
and happiness. I can't go back. Every time I die, I wake,
breathing, tasting copper and feeling the echoes of whatever injuries
caused my death. I'm brought back to life. Nothing can kill
me. And believe me, over the past and recent years I've tried
almost anything. Late at night, when I'm alone, I try the most
recent acquisition at its most brutal, hoping something as alien as the
thing that did this can undo it. But nothing has yet. And
some of it has hurt - more than you're hurting now, take my word for it.
I'm so sorry. But this time around you won't die alone. I'm
here, I'm with you, and I know how terrified you are. I'll hold
your wet and bloody hand until it's over. There's nothing we can
do for you. You died long minutes ago, this isn't real, it's just
a glitch and soon it'll not even be a memory. I envy you, I
do. To have somewhere to go…. I've been stuck here ever
since he abandoned me, at least with him I'd have answers, with him I'd
have someone who knows how it feels to be here without end.
Without him I keep trying and failing to end it.
Your eyes close and you die for a second time. After a while I
let your hand drop back to the cold puddle of water. You know
nothing of it now. It doesn't matter to you where your body lies,
what happens next. You're in a better place and you'll be safe
there. I know if I ever succeed and Ianto finds my mutilated body
one morning, it'll tear them apart. They'll never know about me
and it'll hurt them because they'll think they let me down. Maybe
I'll leave a note for them. Maybe a letter locked away. My
life here, helping earth, it's a fake, just like me. That line I
spin about needing to be ready…. What do I care? I don't
belong here. It's a port, a stop-off, not somewhere I'm
settling. Captain Jack Harkness doesn't settle. I'm here
because the rift is here. One day, however long it takes, the
TARDIS will return. It'll need the power, or I'll get lucky and
find a piece of alien technology that can send out a call and bring the
Doctor to me. Whatever it takes.
Because one day I want to close my eyes and never again open
them. One day I want to shuffle off this mortal prison and find
out what's beyond it. One day I want to close my eyes, and the
last thing I want to see is his face.
Fin
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